That's the first fact to offer - not that it's all that necessary, seeing as you'll be able to figure it out for yourself soon enough: I am not a private person. I'm a bit funny with feelings, partly because I never know when they'll change and so expressing them seems likely to make a liar of me eventually. But when it comes to facts, information, I'm an open book. The factor that's most likely to make me keep hush about something is not whether or not it's something I want someone to know, but whether it's something that'll make the other person uncomfortable. Maybe, conceivably, I sometimes seem a bit closed in, possibly, but only because I don't want to weird anyone out or bore them. Ask me a question, though, and I'll probably answer. In fact, if someone really wanted to steal my identity or stalk me it probably wouldn't be too much effort at all to track down everything they need online.* Which is something I probably ought to fix, really.
For everything else, let's start with the basics and go from there: I'm a mid-20s cisfemale heteroflexible maybe-demiromantic (yeah, I know that's an example of mild wankery - straight will do) left-handed left-wing middle class unemployed Socialist Australian geek of British Caucasian descent with a Bachelor of Arts and Science. Hi o/
Now the physical, I suppose... We'll start with one of my favourite photos of me:
For the sake of disclosure, I should state from the outset that I am not, in fact, a rainforest fairy. As lovely as they are, I didn't grow the wings.
As you can tell from that photo, I'm very brown: I have brown eyes, which I quite like; I'm on the dark side for a white person and tan easily; and my hair is a fairly boring brown that tends towards a slight curl under the right circumstances. At the moment I desperately need a haircut - my split ends are horrendous, and it goes all foofy when it gets too long.
I'm pretty tall - a dozen centimetres over Australia's average height for women (a couple over the average for men, for that matter). I'm also pretty overweight, although I lost a fair bit when I went overseas recently; I've got about another 10kg to lose to get to about healthy weight, although my goal is around 0.7 HtW because it's better. If I can get to healthy weight, I'll probably be a perfect hourglass; I have big boobs (I'd prefer they were somewhat smaller), and good breeding-hips. Although it's pretty big, I have no particular opinions about my arse cuz I can't see it so who cares?
I like my hair when it's well cut and behaving itself, and how I feel about my appearance on any particular day is primarily determined by my hair. As I said, I quite like my eyes, and I have no problem with my eyebrows, either, and my lips are okay except that they tend towards a frown. On the other hand, I think my nose, chin and cheeks are too round and nobbly, and I think the underside of my chin makes me look like a toad. My hands are soft and stumpy-fingered; I could wish for more elegant hands, but I dont' really mind - I do wish I had stronger nails, though.
My feet are really weird-looking. I mean, all feet look weird, but mine are a special sort of weird. My big toes, for starters, look reasonably normal, but are absolutely terrible for in-grown toenails; after a particularly nasty and persistent bout, I ended up having surgery on both toes to fix it - twice, in the case of the left one. The first time was awful: I counted 10 local anaesthetic injections that I felt, and I started counting after the first few so there were more than that, and every single one of them was the most pain I'd ever experienced before. The second time I had general anaesthetic. <3 General anaesthetic.
The rest of my toes are just as weird, but at least they're less painful. My second-from-pinkie toe is sort of skinny up to the joint, and then bulges out into a bulb as well as kinking off to the side. My pinkie toe nestles up against the skinny part, an obsolete little knob with a pathetic sliver of nail clinging to the tip. I'm also flat- and duck-footed, which is elegant.
I have an annoying thing on my arms. I forget what it's called, but basically my skin grows slightly too thick, blocking the proper growth of the hairs and causing lots of little ingrown spots. It's really ugly and annoying, and although it's very common it usually goes away by itself by my age. Also there's no cure; just hiding it with a tan :(
Finally, I'm pretty badly near-sighted - stuff starts going blurry about a foot and a half away. I wear glasses, but I'm not particularly attached to them, so I'm looking forward to the day I can try laser eye surgery.
So that's the outside. Now for the inside: I have a tilted womb. Apparently a few decades ago they would've performed major surgery to fix that, but now they don't give a fuck. That's the only interesting thing about my insides I can think of, and frankly I'd prefer my innards stay boring.
I suppose the metaside, now. This is tricky because, I think unlike many other people, I'm not especially introspective. Although I find it interesting to think about my own psychology, and why I do or am the things I do or am, it's not really something that especially bothers me. I've thought for a long time that after my parents broke up when I was about six that I floated around in a bubble of "Don't wanna know what's going on, just wanna keep on being a kid", so maybe it's an extension of that a bit.
But take my description of my sexuality up there: I like using "heteroflexible" partly because it amuses me, and partly because it most accurately describes me for all it's kind of a nonsense category. I might fancy girls enough to just call myself bisexual, but my historical and expected future preference is for boys. On the other hand, although I default to heterosexual, I'm not adverse to the idea of a relationship with another woman. I quite like the female form and wouldn't mind fooling around with some and have had the occasional crush on a girl; I just think it's even less likely that I'll really fall for a girl (and it's already pretty unlikely that I'll fall for a guy). But if a girl is interested me, I don't want to say "I'm straight" and have them give up on me because of that. They're starting from a bit of a disadvantage, but I'm as happy for them to have a crack at it as I am guys. So I like to use heteroflexible, so any hypothetically interested females know they don't not have a chance. An added bonus to heteroflexibility, incidentally, is that transexuality isn't an issue with it.
But my point is, or was before I got sidetracked, that I'm not totally sure whether I would more properly define myself as heterosexual or bisexual, but more importantly I don't really care. It seems like the sort of thing that tends to bother other people, but so long as the above "anyone's welcome to have a crack" is clear, it doesn't concern me. It's not an issue that requires resolution.
This is getting silly-long, and it's pretty incredibly pointless and self-indulgent anyway, so I'm gonna be a little more dot-pointy now.
I'm astoundingly tactless. One of my exes told me once that he "admires the way (I) blunder into an awkward situation, and then blunder (my) way out of it again". As I've made clear, I'm extremely open about pretty much everything, and I sometimes have trouble remembering that most other people aren't and knowing exactly where their lines are. It probably doesn't help, for example, that my mother's a doctor so I've grown up being talked to frankly about medical issues and the like and don't really understand why other people don't like to do that.
My tactlessness, combined with my tendency to get into arguments and inability to let people be wrong on the Internet, means I often piss off a lot of people. I am, for instance, a pretty prominent poster on a Certain Popular Forum. I believe you'd be reasonably hard-pressed finding many people on there who've interacted with me to any significant degree who are neutral towards me - I seem to really hit the extremes of public opinion.
And it does matter to me. I want to be liked. If someone dislikes me due to a simple clash of personalities, that's fine. But it bothers me when I think they dislike me unjustly, or due to a misunderstanding, or just because one of their friends dislikes me, or because I refuse to ignore their crap and/or have criticised them. But for the most part, I want to be liked, especially by people I respect or whose opinions matter to me. Which brings me to another issue I have...
This is something that's very hard to complain about without seeming like (or actually) humblebragging (a concept I love, incidentally): I have an issue with people falling for me more than I fall for them. It's happened several times, and it almost always causes issues, even the ending of friendships. But I just don't fall for people as quickly or easily as other people seem to. Which is unfortunate, when I still pretty easily have strong platonic and sexual feelings for a lot of people - I just fall short on the romantic side. Which is where it ties into the last paragraph: I like it when people I like like me, and I really, really enjoy flirting with people, and I even quite like getting physically involved with people, and it's quite nice for my ego when people fancy me. But I can't relax and enjoy that stuff for the most part because I'm always afraid I'll seem to lead them on, make them think I feel more than I actually do, sort of trick them into falling for them when for all I might have platonic and even sexual love for them, I just feel absolutely nothing romantically.
So, as a result of several disasters in one-sided affection, I've made a resolution for myself: no more in-between relationships, no exclusive but loveless relationships. It's either: purely and clearly temporary, no-strings-attached, definitely-not-going-anywhere serious casual relationships (and I need to be really, really clear on that with the other person - until a fairly recent entanglement I'd almost decided that I just wasn't meant to have a relationship like that, because it always ends in hurt feelings no matter how clear I think I've been); or a relationship I don't know from the outset is going to fail, with someone I've fallen for or believe I'm on my way to doing so.
That isn't to say that my next relationship is gonna be wedding bells, babies and growing-old-together for sure. I'm just tired of starting relationships that have a known and inevitable use-by date. I want to go into a relationship that at least has the possibility of lasting forever, regardless of whether it does or not. Because it seems to be the only way I'll stop hurting people. Which kinda sucks, cuz I really like snuggles and couply stuff, and I don't forsee my getting any of that anytime soon :(
What else should I be saying about myself? I don't know, that's probably enough of a wall of text for now, or maybe I'll add some more later. Maybe next time I'll do a run-down of stuff I care about or something. This post, I suppose, if there's anyone who cares and is paying any attention, can be considered an "ask me anything" point.
Well. Hopefully that's the most self-indulgent post that ever appears on this-here blog - preferably not just because it's pretty much my only post.
Welcome to me.
*Stalkers: Please don't stalk me. Unless it's funny. Or flattering. But only creepy enough to be a good story and no more. Fraudsters: don't bother robbing me. I have no money. Wait 'til I have a job.
